How to find a boyfriend

I'm an expert. I've had a TON.

Instructions

Difficulty: Moderate

1. First of all, set fire to all of your "how to find a boyfriend" books. They're dumb. They might help you find a boyfriend, but he'll be the kind of boyfriend who steals your fish, wears your underwear and has sex with your sister.
2. After he buys you your whiskey sour and you flirt with the old maraschino cherry stem mouth-tie routine, don't go back to his house. Even if he invites you in to watch Iron Chef. He doesn't want to watch Iron Chef. He wants to do it. With you. And you'll be left with the following options: A. Doing it. B. Not doing it. A. will make you look like a ****. And B. will make you look like a prude. Ultimately, an eventual boyfriend likes neither. So simply stay away from the situation.
3. Decide wholeheartedly and definitively that you DO NOT want a relationship. Tell yourself you're thrilled to discover your autonomy and be excited about a lot of alone time. You're gonna learn--finally--how to knit! And you really want to bring letter-writing back. It's so intimate, seeing people's penmanship, isn't it? And you've always wanted to take an Indian cooking class. Oooh, and maybe a sign language course. Such delicious free time! No one's feelings to consider, no endless diatribes about someone else's boring day to endure, no families to pretend to like! And when you finally, fully commit to such independence, you'll meet the man of your dreams. And you'll accomplish none of those things.
4. Try not to be single after 35. Guys like youth. I don't make the rules.
5. Join Nerve or one of those embarrassing sites. Men have to get your attention in fun, humiliating ways. If you're even semi-decent looking, you'll get tons of responses per day. Most will suck. But one might not.

Tips & Warnings

• Don't talk about cats, handbags or other boyfriends. In fact, don't ever talk about these things. They're boring.